Are you listening?

As youth workers, we’re created to be relational people.

And for the most part, I find that many of us are also similar in personality types. We love to be around people (if not, get out of ministry) and most of us gab too much for our own good. Something tells me that at some point in your life, you were told that you had the gift of gab. I was told that at a young age! And as a young lad, I used it to my advantage.

Alas, sometimes our greatest strengths become our greatest weaknesses. The biggest weakness that I have as a husband is the fact that I am always trying to be Mr. Fix It. And rightfully so! As men, we love to fix things. It's our job! And when our lovely damsels in distress come to us with their mountains of problems that they can't possibly take care of on their own, we like to sort them through one by one until there is nothing else.

However, this may be our biggest downfall. The problem with having the gift of gab is that those who gab are unable to give a rip about anyone else’s opinions. It’s pretty straight forward but fundamental to any good youth ministry…. not talking… but listening.

Here’s what I mean: I can’t think of many youth pastors who are praised for talking too much. Yet I know and respect many who are the first one to ask a question and will actively listen to kid talk. Furthermore, I find that many of our kids who come through the doors of our churches and youth centres aren’t looking for someone who’s gifted with an expositional mind or a doctorate in theology; but a down to earth person who’s willing to just stop and listen. To give you a better idea of where I’m coming from, let me paint a picture of the world that many of my students live in.

Recently, to my wife’s surprise, there is a family (a really great one too) who has our home number on speed dial. I have no idea why, but every once in a while the cell phone calls our house. While the phone is in the pocket, my wife will sometimes overhear arguments. Sometimes we understand as parents ourselves; but sometimes we wish we had hung up the phone much earlier. Needless to say, there are times when the students in our ministries feel as if their parents aren’t listening.

School is another place where many of our students feel as if they aren’t being heard. I can’t even count the number of times when students tell me of the day they’ve had when they had a question and a teacher was unable to answer; or redirected a question to somewhere where they were not taken seriously. As a high-school delinquent myself at one time, I also remember many times sitting in the principal’s office trying to explain why it was a good idea to drop a flaming lighter in the hallway; but to my avail, was not even given the light of day.

Another place where you’d expect a teenager to at least be respected would be a service establishment like a pizza hut or convenience store. But even there, my students feel the burn as they are told to leave a backpack at a counter or not even allowed in a store because of a sign that says “no more than 2 students at a time”.

Yet one of the worst places where I find my students feel unheard and ignored happens to be my church. And here’s the kicker… I’m the one who’s not listening.

A student comes in from a rough argument with mom or dad who may be on the brink of divorce and the kid acts out or doesn’t feel up for the game—and I tell them to suck it up and play before asking them what’s up.

Another student is constantly asking silly questions during my lesson and I refuse to answer them for the rest of the month because I assume that all that will come of their question is foolishness—when the child has deeper issues… mainly the fact that no other adult will even give them a moment of their precious time.

Yeah, I think you get it.

Before we start pointing our fingers at “the system”, we need to be asking if we’re listening too. Because the truth is, there is a generation of young people who have amazing ideas, outcomes and solutions to the problems that we have created who just need someone to listen to them. We don’t need more smooth talking “funny” youth pastors in Canada. What we need are more active listeners who have the discipline to know when they need to shut their mouths and just listen.

Trust me. If you’re married, your husband or wife will thank you.
And if you’re working with kids, you just might show a child that there’s a caring adult who is interested in their life.

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. -James 1:19